No Good, Very Bad Day

This has been absolutely the most horrible morning I've had in forever! Evan woke up screaming 2 hours before he was suppose to get up, which means an hour before I get up. I couldn't get him to stay asleep even after I gave in and fed him way early, thus throwing off his entire schedule for the day. Our dog decided that the kitchen table needed to have a yellow flood around and under it. It took my 20 minutes to clean up and mop that disgusting mess . I finally got in the shower, an hour late, after strapping Evan into the swing to keep him content. Sydney was being difficult this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I finally get everyone ready and in the car to leave. The starts, but not without some weird sounds and what sounds like quite the effort. I get the sitter, get the kids situated and head out to leave. Now my car won't start at all . Try calling my husband with no answer. Call my brother but he I already on his way to work and too far to turn around. Finally get a hold of my brother in law who graciously drives all the way over to jump my car after just getting home from working all night. I get to work 2 hours late. If anything else needs to go wrong, it might as well happen today......

New Begining

So I've been on PPD meds for a little over a month now and I will be starting an appetite suppressant tomorrow. I'm on a journey to get me to a happier healthier me. I'm working with 2 different doctors to achieve this. So far the PPD meds are helping a ton! I just hope with this new medication I can really start to drop all this pregnancy weight (and then some). I've been on it before and it made a huge difference in what I ate and how much I ate, it even gave me more energy. Being a mom of 2, I could really use the energy booster! Plus, I think once I start dropping some weight I will feel better about myself and I think that will help the PPD too. I'm so ready to get back to feeling like ME again. The journey has begun! ;-)

Breathe

Whew! I can breathe easy now. This mornings procedure was a complete fiasco though. Got to the radiologist's office at 7:30 to register for the appointment at 8am. They didn't call us back until after 8am. Then at 8:30 they finally came in to tell us that the radiologist didn't want to do the UGI because of Evan's age, he thought it would be better to do an ultra sound. At this point I am no longer able to keep Evan happy and distracted, so he proceeds to scream for half an hour because he is so hungry, then passes out from exhaustion. Then the scheduling lady said they couldn't do that until 10:30am. Evan hadn't eaten anything since 1:30am. Eric was upset and the lady said she would bump someone else and go ahead and do Evan first. Ultra sound went fine despite all of Evan's wiggling around. We could clearly see him refluxing but I couldn't see about the pyloric stenosis. About an hour and a half after we got home the doctor called and said there was no pyloric stenosis! I'm so relieved!!

Waiting & Nail Biting

So as tomorrow grows nearer, I find myself dwelling on the what if's of the outcome of Evan's UGI. What if he has to have surgery? What if something goes wrong? What if he can't have anesthesia? What if he's allergic to anesthesia? What if he's allergic to pain meds? It's not even for sure that he'll have to have surgery, but for whatever reason my mind has decided on the worst possible scenario, and therefore is playing out all the possibilities of what could go wrong. I don't normally consider myself a pessimist, but maybe I am. Every time I try to steer my thoughts to something else more pleasant, they just drift right back. I've tried to keep myself busy, but inevitably, he wakes up or starts to cry or whatever, then I'm back in his room alone with him and my mind is racing all over again. I am so ready for some answers, and ready for him to get some relief from all this pain and discomfort. I really hope that tomorrow brings both to us.

Helpless & Guilty

I find myself feeling increasingly helpless and guilty as my son gets more and more sick. I feel helpless because I don't know what to do to make him feel better, if there even is anything I could do. I can't help but wonder if this is all my fault, if there's something I did or I'm doing that's making him sick. It's just so frustrating when I'm doing all the things the doctor is telling me to do and he's still in pain and vomiting and screaming all the time. Then I feel so guilty that I'm spending so much time with my son and seemingly so little with my daughter. I know that it's only because he's sick and needs more attention, but the hurt on her face when I can't come play right that second or help her fix something, or even get her more juice right then because she's thirsty, really tears my heart out. She just doesn't understand. She's trying to be understanding and help with the little things that she can do, but she obviously misses her mommy, and it kills me that I can't give her the attention she wants right now. I feel even more guilty and like a horrible mother for wanting sometime for myself away from it all. I keep thinking 'what kind of mom wants to be away from her kids? Especially a sick baby?' I know experts say we, as moms, need personal time to keep ourselves healthy, but for some reason it just feels wrong to want that. I'm really struggling to find a balance between Mommy/Wife/Me. I'm terrified to see what things are going to be like when I have to go back to work in a week. I'm sure that's going to bring on a whole new level of guilt.

Stress

So, I'm totally new to the whole blog thing. I thought this may be a good way for me to vent about the stress and trials of being a mom and wife. I recently became a mommy of 2 beautiful children. My daughter is 3 years old and my son is 3 months old. My daughter was a total blessing and such a super easy baby and toddler until about 2 months before her 3rd birthday. Now we have entered the terrible 3's! Overall it wouldn't be such a bad thing, because truthfully, it's not that bad. BUT, since my son was born the stress level for me has increased tenfold. It started with having to stop breastfeeding at like 4 or 5 weeks because of a severe lactose intolerance. That was super hard on me because I wanted so bad to be able to breastfeed. It also made me feel like I had been torturing my child by giving him something that was making him sick. Let's not forget that about this same time we had to have his tongue clipped because he was born tongue tied and was having physical issues eating anyway. Then 2 weeks later I find out that he is NOT lactose intolerant and that we should have continued breast feeding. His issues were actually due to colic brought on by a protein allergy in the supplemental milk we were using. All of these wonderful things threw me into serious PPD. So, at this point I'm dealing with a stinker of a 3 year old, and colicky baby and trying to fight my own demons within. Fast forward to this week and I've got a handle on the PPD, working on the 3 year old, and. The baby's problems get worse.

I take the baby back to the doctor because now, the colic seems to be good, but he is projectile vomiting after feedings, ravenous after a feeding even when he keeps most of it down, and apparently over eating based on his size and age. The doctor tells me it could be GERD or it could be pyloric stenosis. GERD can be treated with meds and typically outgrown. Pyloric stenosis is hereditary and requires surgery. His twin uncles both had it has infants and had to have surgery. So at 12 weeks of age he has to have an Upper GI done to determine the cause of all his tummy issues. The UGI alone scares me because of the possibility of them having to stick a camera down his throat, but add the possibility of needing surgery and I'm a basket case. I'm hoping they will tell me something Monday at the UGI appointment and not make me wait to see his doctor. We shall see how it goes. I feel so helpless and just hope that it all turns ok.